


A Happier Version Of The Two Of Us

by OwenToDawn



Series: 15 Day Lyric Challenge 2020 [12]
Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Memory Alteration, Memory Magic, Post-Black Eagles Route (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Self-Esteem Issues, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:28:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26140390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OwenToDawn/pseuds/OwenToDawn
Summary: Hubert considers the merits of rebuilding himself into an image Ferdinand could have an easier time loving
Relationships: Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra
Series: 15 Day Lyric Challenge 2020 [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1882966
Comments: 6
Kudos: 72





	A Happier Version Of The Two Of Us

**Author's Note:**

> Today's fic is based on the lyric: 
> 
> “I’ve been worshiping the devil to try and steal you back/I offered him my soul and he said ‘keep it, no, you keep it, yes I mean it, honestly I do appreciate it/but love’s not something I’m all that good at’” from Some Dark Magik by Dalton Deschain & The Traveling Show
> 
> I was listening to that song again and it just gave me major Ferdinand/Hubert vibes just from the title alone. 
> 
> Title from the same song
> 
> Comments are loved!

Hubert doesn’t mean for Ferdinand to find it – or anyone really. It had started as an experiment for their spies, a spell to selectively erase memories so that when they were sent into the field, even if they were captured, their enemies couldn’t get anything out of them. But experiment wasn’t quite the right word because Hubert hadn’t even tested it on anyone. Even with all his research, the risks are too high for him to test such a thing, not when they’d finally rid the world of the monsters who saw brutal experimentation as the solution to all the world’s ills.

He intended to leave it all alone, but then he and Ferdinand had fought, again, about Hubert struggling to let Ferdinand in no matter how hard Ferdinand tries. Their relationship, or rather, their _romantic_ relationship, is still in its infancy and more turbulent than Hubert expected it to be. He hadn’t counted on the fact that Ferdinand would want to _know_ him. Know his secrets. Know his fears. Know why it was he was terrified to let anyone but Edelgard close. It makes him wonder if he could be the lover and man Ferdinand wants if he didn’t have the memories of his youth, of Edelgard’s youth, poisoning each interaction he had with other people.

How did he explain to Ferdinand there was no undoing that fear as long as he could always remember the threat of what caring for others, what loving others, could cost him?

It’s then that he begins to revisit his research. He picks at Linhardt’s mind to no real avail – the man detests even the word experiment when it comes to humans. At one point, he gives Hubert a knowing look and asks him if Edelgard is aware of what he’s researching, and so Hubert keeps his thoughts and his research to himself in a little black notebook. He picks apart his memories and writes down the ones he thinks he would like to do without. If he takes away the trauma, perhaps he can finally be a man capable and worthy of the type of love Ferdinand wishes to give and receive.

Truly, he’s not even sure if it’s serious. Would he commit to such a risky spell, knowing it would erase everything he was? Sure, there’s not much he’s done that one could truly be proud of. A history soaked in blood is not a history worth preserving, not really, but there’s something terrifying when he thinks of unmaking everything it is that makes him who he is.

So when Ferdinand finds his notebook, he can understand how distraught Ferdinand is. He wrote the words after all, and without knowing that Hubert isn’t committed to the idea, he imagines it’s distressing for Ferdinand to read that he’d been considering it at all.

"Is this what love is to you?” Ferdinand asks as he paces back and forth in Hubert’s office as Hubert sits, rigid as a child being scolded by their headmaster.

“What do you mean?” Hubert asks.

“I’m asking because you seem to have this idea that love is when you break yourself apart and rebuild yourself in an image you think your partner wants but they never actually asked for,” Ferdinand says, although his voice cracks near the end.

It is a stunningly spot on assessment, and Hubert knows he has a habit of underestimating Ferdinand’s skills of observation, but it still catches him by surprise the way he manages to so carefully pick apart Hubert’s psyche. He spends so much time trying to hide his thoughts from everyone around him, but Ferdinand sees right through it every time. It was foolish for him to even attempt to sort out his insecurities on his own.

“These…memories of mine,” Hubert says. “They make it difficult for me to let you close.”

“Yes,” Ferdinand says. “That is what trauma does, generally. Just look at Bernadetta.”

Hubert raises an eyebrow. “I’m not sure Bernadetta would be opposed to the memories of her father being erased.”

Ferdinand frowns, coming to a halt as he ponders Hubert’s words. “Perhaps you’re right. But my point was that just because you aren’t easy to get close to doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. Bernadetta and Felix somehow manage. And either way, what she went through is what makes her the person she is.”

“Why not get rid of the memories that hurt? After all, they’re the memories that made me, how did you say it…think that love is building myself in the image that people want?” Hubert asks, ignoring the sting repeating the words leaves behind.

“If it was about wanting to forget things from your past that hurt you, I would understand,” Ferdinand says as he resumes his restless pacing. “I wouldn’t want you to but…that would be your choice.”

"Regardless my reasoning, it remains my choice,” Hubert says, and he knows he’s just arguing to argue now, Ferdinand’s resistance making him dig his heels in over something he hadn’t even decided on yet.

“Hubert, I know! I know that you will do whatever you feel like just to feel like you’ve won,” Ferdinand says with a frustrated eye roll. “I’ve been in love with you long enough to know of that particular trait, which for the record, is not something I’m interested in fixing by erasing your memory. I think that particular trait might be innate anyways.”

“I-“

“Stop talking, you’re getting me flustered on purpose so I can’t think straight and I have something I want to say,” Ferdinand says, his voice sharp. “Our memories are what makes us who we are, and to erase them to try and change yourself into someone else, someone you think is easier to love, is not the answer. Of course, I don’t want you in pain. If this is the path that makes you happier, then I will walk it with you and hope you still love me on the other side. But I do not need a Hubert designed from scratch to be everything I want. I love you as you are. I want us both to grow and heal together.”

“You would let me do this?” Hubert asks. “You would risk me waking up and never falling in love with you again if I was doing it to be happier?”

"Yes,” Ferdinand says. “I think you’re doing this for the wrong reasons but if you have to do it to find peace…it is, as you said, your choice to make regardless of my feelings. I just need you to understand that you don’t need to do that to prove you love me. Erasing everything you are for someone else…that’s not love, Hubert. Whatever you would call it, I do not want that from you.”

Hubert swallows, feeling speechless and Ferdinand steps up to his desk and sets the journal down.

“If you decide you must, just tell me first, yes?”

Ferdinand doesn’t wait for Hubert to answer before he leaves.

-.-

Hubert has enough research distilled in his journal on memory working spells that he could, potentially, destroy a whole country with it. It could also, potentially, spur impressive advancements in medical care. He can’t, in good conscience, rationalize tossing it away. But the longer it sits in his journal, the longer it tempts him. Ferdinand’s words stick with him though, and he knows the temptation he feels is not to erase what hurts him. It’s temptation to try and be what Ferdinand wants, because of his core he can’t help but think it’s a lie for Ferdinand to want him in his current state. For his own good, he knows he must put such knowledge out of his reach.

In the end, he turns the journal, sans the notes about his own memories, over to Edelgard and in return, she puts into law that one Hubert von Vestra is banned from having a hand in any further research pertaining to the issue. It requires approval of the rest of the council, so in the end, the only dissenting vote on the matter is Ferdinand. Hubert flees the meeting the moment it adjourns and retreats to his office before Ferdinand can even call out his name. Ferdinand seems to understand he needs space and grants it to him.

It isn’t until the end of the day, when Hubert returns to their shared quarters, that he finally feels strong enough to actually speak with Ferdinand. He doesn’t get a chance though. As he disrobes in front of his dresser and Ferdinand lounges on the bed, it’s Ferdinand who speaks first.

“You didn’t have to go that far, though I do appreciate the gesture,” Ferdinand says.

Hubert looks at his own reflection in the mirror, studying it as he thinks. “I don’t know if it was just for you. I think it was more for me. You are…right. I do have some rather…twisted views of what it is to love someone and be loved by them. It is what happens when you have someone grow up as Edelgard and I did. Making sure I cannot give into the temptation of old but destructive habits is as much for my sake as it is yours, so I apologize if that makes it seem less of the romantic gesture you’d hoped for.”

“Hubert, what I’ve wanted more than anything is for you to do something for yourself,” Ferdinand says. “Thank you.”

“Well in that case,” Hubert says, turning back to face him. “You are most welcome.”


End file.
